I do not part with the phone, because at the other end of the line there are: a guy in occupied Starobogdanivka or a family who cannot get out of the shelling, and a lot of other pain. It doesn’t let me sleep even if I don’t have strength…I’m there where the pain is, 24 hours a day.

I do not communicate with my relatives and friends – now these are only short and very rare conversations. My children have to take care of themselves, from time to time reminding me about eating. Now the lives of others are more important than my own.

I’ve found my place in this war….

For a long time I did not dare to tell the story of my war. And I decided that this would be the case,coming from me, without editing. Such a memoir-life.

It was impossible not to notice the forecasts of experts and political talk shows. Since the fall, everyone around has been collecting an alarm suitcase, emotions have been condensing.

Why did I decide to go abroad? It was not a considered decision. Rather, on the contrary, it was an emotional, panicky, and reckless act. The only thing I clearly understood was that I was endangering my surroundings. If we have to evacuate extremely, it will be more difficult with me, because I am in a wheelchair, and in case of the worst development, I put at risk those who will be destined to save me.

On the eve of February 24, my life finally became more or less stable. One year ago I  moved to Kyiv, and found my dream work and almost finished renovating my own new apartment. And finally, after spending two nights in my new home, I got out of bed unusually early – I was awakened by the war.

On February 24, at 5:10, my daughter and I woke up from the explosions.

That day I planned to go to work. The day before, I’ve made payments to the masters for repairing the apartment, so I was left without a penny – no savings in case of force majeure. We jumped out of bed, listening to loud noises outside the window. And there was chaos. People ran out of the houses, undressed, in pajamas and bathrobes, got in cars and drove… At that time, I had a few calls and text messages from friends – all asked to find a safe place and hide. I woke up my sister, who lives with her family on the outskirts of Kyiv. They slept and heard nothing. My daughter and I got dressed and decided to move on to them. 20 minutes after the war started we were already sitting in the car, taking nothing but documents, and began to move in the direction of the Odessa highway.  Usually it takes about 15 minutes to get to my sister’s house, but that morning I drove for two hours. The city was in complete public disorder,it looked like footage from apocalypse movies. Explosions were heard, fighters were flying in the sky, panic and fear were in the air. Horror! I did not understand what to do, what was happening, where was the security? But I moved to my family and hoped for help.

We stayed in my sister’s house until the evening, trying to collect our thoughts, calm down and decide what to do next. Now as I’m writing about everything, I’m starting to shake again. Vasylkiv was attacked on one side of our location, and Gostomel on the other. We heard all that. The rumble of fighters in the sky added to the fear. At about 8 pm, we decided to leave Kyiv. My sister and her family went to visit friends in western Ukraine, and I went to the Kirovohrad region because my son was there.

This road usually takes a maximum of three hours with coffee stops. We drove for ten hours. Bila Tserkva and Uman were on fire along the way. Checkpoints. Very congested traffic. We saw soldiers and military equipment. It was scary even from the sound of the engine of our car. At night we came to the house of our friends in the city of Gaivoron, took our son and stayed there for three days. We did not plan anything, did not sleep, we hid periodically just in the forest. And when, on the third day of the war, the connection with the Pcholkin family , who lived in Bucha, was lost, I realized that everything was very serious – we had to move abroad.

For two days my children and I traveled to the border, bypassing Vinnytsia, because the city was also attacked. We spent the night at a music school in Kolomyia, then after crossing the border with Slovakia, we stopped for the night in the shelter of some church. After that we traveled to Warsaw. There we were given a place to spend the night, and for the first time ever I was able to undress and take a shower. And I exploded. News from Ukraine caused panic. My personal situation had no prospects: I am a cripple, with two children, without funds, in another country, while there is the war in my country. Where was I? What to do and where to move? I did not understand! In this despair, I called Ana Ostankova, my colleague, who is also the leader of the NGO GAR. The friend was in Poland, where she and her son were evacuated from Kharkiv. Anya organized a temporary shelter for us in the town of Nałęczów near Lublin, and I went there with my children. We stayed there for ten days. My emotional state was terrible. I was completely unable to assess the situation and plan something. I had all the current syndromes of “saved person”, “deferred life”, etc., according to the list. My children were in no less terrible condition. We faced a situation in which no one could help us, because all relatives and friends were in the same circumstances and everyone took care of their families, we were alone. Alone and without anything, with a lot of problems. All our things were only those we were wearing at the moment. The child, probably from stress, had inflammation of the eyes – but  all that seems trivial, because we were in a safe place and there was an opportunity to get help. So I’m bypassing the lyrics of the “saved” person…

At that time, my GAR colleagues started working to help people with spinal cord injuries. I could not join the activity at all – I was stressed and could not even help myself. Quite by chance I saw a post of the Commissioner for People with Disabilities in Germany on Facebook. There was an actual question of how and where to evacuate people with spinal cord injuries. I wrote a private message and was contacted by Felix, the manager of the organization of people with paraplegia in Germany. He offered an apartment in Frankfurt am Main. That’s how I ended up in Germany.

My life experience of extreme situations is very rich, but at that moment the emotional charge of experiencing such events was over. I had a hard time getting myself together. Thanks to GAR and involvement in the activities of the organization, I was able to come to my senses. In parallel, I joined the coordination of the project for the evacuation of people with spinal cord injuries from Ukraine. It was organized by the German Organization of Paraplegics in partnership with the best European organizations specializing in spinal cord injuries. And now the statistics of my life are the number of people rescued, namely people with spinal cord injuries, who are most vulnerable during the war. In a wheelchair you can’t escape the bombs, and without basic means there is a threat of not surviving the war.

Mariia with GAR leaders

My place is now between heaven and earth. War is where I am. And even if I am in the country where the central offices of European banks, stock exchanges and other institutions of world importance are located, I only dream of a home and a return to Ukraine – to my favorite Kyiv, to my new apartment, to my friends, relatives and my dream work. Life has stopped: my home is Ukraine, and my home is being destroyed. But they will not destroy me.

I am grateful to the people who are always there in my life, especially now. Thanks for their support and for understanding why I’m not answering calls or ignoring messages. It’s not a time for small talks – now only hot questions are on the air. I love and embrace everyone who has felt me. Stay safe.

Everything will be Ukraine!